Well tonight, I decided to try and take it down to Wal-Mart as it seemed the battery was going to be able to hold long enough to do so.  Long story short, it didn’t.  A friend of the family though came out to help us get the rest of the way home though when it started to die out about half-way back.  In the meantime though we had an adventure of sorts though.

The sidewalks there and back are pretty wide and allowed for the boys to walk next to each other with me in between them and the street to keep them safe.  They had a lot of fun looking at the flowers, exploring the edges of farm fields, and blowing dandelion puffs when they found them.   We even passed an older gentleman that was jogging in the opposite direction whom the boys loudly declared to be “Mr. Feeny” much to my unintentional giggles and slight embarrassment.  We’ve been watching a bit too much of a classic show together I guess. lol

On the way back, since night had fallen while we were shopping, I bought some glow sticks that flashed and had flashlights on the end and the boys had a LOT of fun with those.  I also had a lantern on the back of the scooter and a big light for me to hold out in front to help make sure we were seen and that we could see our path.  There were a lot of bicyclists out on the paths both ways and not a lot of street lamps so the lights were pretty important.

I wasn’t able to get any pictures, but we did have a lot of fun.  At least up to the point of the battery suddenly dying down on us and us getting stuck.  So grateful to our friend for coming out to help us out of that mess.  Now that I know how long it takes us to reach the Wal-Mart by scooter though, and how quickly my battery dies out on the way back, if we try this little adventure again we will be starting early and leaving plenty of time for charging up again before heading back too.

I want to say though that for all the father’s that did stay, all the dad’s who still stand by their children’s side, and especially all the ones who also still love their children’s mommy, my hat goes off to you with deep respect.  Keep up the good and faithful work.  I promise you that you are appreciated.

I hope your Father’s Day was special for you and that you wake up tomorrow with memories you can treasure and that bring you extra smiles. : )

David: I love you David

Me: I love you Mommy?

David: I love you David

Me: I

David: I

Me: love

David: love

Me: you

David: Joshua

~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~

Joshy… you know I adore you with all my heart, but did you really need to come in and distract David at this exact moment? lol

As for you, David, Mommy loves you too buddy. ((hugs))  And I hear you loud and clear.  Even on the days you can’t say it.

This was presented with a side comment on one of my blog posts: “I’m glad to see you had a more relaxing day!  If anyone deserves this, it’s you.  I nominated you for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award.”

Thanks E.S.!

From what I can tell from his acceptance post, I am supposed to list 7 random facts so here we go! : )

1) David’s favorite animals are horses and dogs.

2) Our family speaks a combination of sign language and spoken English in order to achieve as much communication as possible with each other.  Sign language provided the breakthrough we needed that led to David speaking again after 3 years of painful silence due to his Autism.

3) Although most of David’s spoken words are mainly echolalia based (repeated after you, or repeated memorized phrases or words from other conversations or shows he watches), when he starts signing with someone, a simple yet complete conversation can often be accomplished.

4) My favorite color is pink and has been since before I can remember, however my favorite color combination is pink, purple, and blue (all spring type shades) and is directly in connection to special memories of my great grandmother and best friend, Grandma Jane.

5) I have started a side blog as well, titled ”Beyond The Autism“, for when I want to talk about something other than Autism and related issues.  Although, I will admit Autism finds its way over there too at times.

6) When I first started this blog here at “An Autism Diary”, I didn’t even want to do this. I was scared and nervous and didn’t know what I would even write about or if anyone would even be interested in reading it. Now though, I wouldn’t give it up or the experiences and friendships I have been blessed with since starting it.

7) Our current blog stats/accomplishments for “An Autism Diary” are: 9 months, 189 posts, 681 comments, 6,625 views (that one surprised me!), 95 followers, 10 followers through “Publicize” (I don’t know what that is, but apparently I have it on here lol), and a growing facebook fan page with currently 297 followers.  Wow!  Thanks everyone!

Now for passing this award badge on to others.

Some of my most loyal followers (and friends) I have do not have their own blogs but, in the spirit of what this award is about,  I would still like to give them a shout out.

Ingar, Alex, Marcia, Charity, Tina, and Scott

You all know who you are and I want to make sure you all know how much your friendship, encouragement, and support have meant to me on this journey.  Thank-you! ((hugs))

Now I also have some very loyal and priceless friendships that I have made with other bloggers.  In no particular order (even though I know at least two of you already have this award from others) I pass this award on to:

Gentle Stitches: Thank-you for being such a strong source of friendship and encouragement.  I also enjoy the crocheting. : )

Evil Squirrel’s Nest:  I know you are the one that gave me this, but I wanted to return the sentiment.  Thank-you for being such a good friend and for following our story over here for so long.

Margie over at Speaking On The Spectrum: Not only a valuable resource for all the latest news relating to the Autism community, she is also a treasured and loyal friend.  Thanks Margie! ((hugs))

Did I Earn a Smile: Whenever I post something, you and Gentle Stitches almost always seem to be the first to show up to read it.  Thanks for following my son’s story and for offering your friendship and support along this journey.  I truly appreciate it. : )

There are countless others whom I both have gotten to know as well as deeply appreciate, but I would be here all night if I tried to list you all.  Please know though that I thank you and I appreciate you.

David as a newborn

It was a trip down memory lane that came with a combination of tears, laughter, awe, and of course smiles all around. : )  I found videos I thought had been lost forever when I had a mishap with my backup hard drive.  I viewed pictures from when my boys were merely newborns and laughed at the memories of watching them grow up again right before my eyes.

David and Joshua meet for the very first time

My breath caught in my throat when their dad would randomly show up here and there and I held back the tears at the renewed realization that it rarely happened because he was rarely even here…  Then, as I continued to click on, I found myself choking up with tears of the happier kind as I watched David struggle and grunt and sign “I love you” for the first time.  I would share that one with you if it wasn’t for Joshua pulling his diaper down towards the end of it and showing off his stuff. lol  Yep.  When he did that, he officially made the clip a “mommy only” video.

All in all, the memories re-lived seemed to have a life and heart of their own and I enjoyed getting to live through them all again.  I even enjoyed it when the boys would run over at the sound of another video playing and they would make me repeat over and over who the “baby” was that they were watching.  Half the time, they simply couldn’t wrap their minds around the concept it was them at a younger age (especially the really old ones), but sometimes I think they just liked being told again that it was them. lol : )

With all our ups and downs, all our struggles and triumphs, the boys and I are truly blessed.  We may not have had the easiest path, or even the happiest one at times, and we definitely have some mountains to face and climb both now and in our future, but overall I can clearly see the loving hand and grace of God on our lives.  Comforting us when the tears were falling hard and the night threatened to never leave and lifting us up and rejoicing along side us when the clouds would break and our hope was renewed once again.  Like when David’s silence broke and, for the first time in over 3 years, we were able to communicate again.  That was a blessed day indeed. : )

As I sign off to tend to the boys (and their messes lol) I leave you with a couple of my favorite videos featuring our one and only David.   I hope you enjoy them. : )

The name of the award is “Best Moment Award” and it was presented to me with this comment:

“Cindi’s blog has educated me on what daily life with an autistic child (David) is like.  Joshua (David’s younger brother) may have autism too.”

Thanks Digital Fingerprint.   And yes, it is confirmed now that Joshua is on the spectrum too.  He’s on the more mild end though instead of the severe.

“Awarding the people who live in the moment,
The noble who write and capture the best in life,
The bold who reminded us what really mattered -
Savoring the experience of quality time.”

I have to be honest, I don’t have any impressing speech to share for this award but I will say I appreciate it and am honored by it.   I am also grateful that I have been a source of education and awareness as that is definitely a goal I strive for here.   Thanks Digital Fingerprint   and my apologies for taking so long to get this posted. : )

Because I am so behind on my awards posts I will be keeping these posts as short as possible when I do them and won’t be passing them on to a lot of different people either.  1) That takes a lot of time and 2) a little known fact about me is that typing actually hurts me (my Ehlers-Danlos is progressing sadly) so doing all those link ups and things is painful too and I need to save my fingers, hands, wrists, and joints for blogging when I can and keeping up with messages right now to be honest.

So who would I like to present this award to?

Autism Sparkles and Did I Earn a Smile

Thank-you both for being so uplifting, real, and down right inspiring.   My hat goes off to you both.

Between low functioning, high energy, increasing echolalia, painfully obvious lack of understanding, bolting issues, missing social skills, loss of connection and communication, and just plain flat weariness (the latter being on my end of course) Autism won tonight.

We had been battling back and forth all day long.  I would gain advantage here and there, but only for brief seconds at a time.  Autism was rearing it’s ugly and uncontrolled head big time today and my stress levels and frustration were steadily rising as I saw it take over more and more despite my best efforts.  It was like I was being forced to watch it make a play thing out of my son and steal all his coherence and abilities away while blowing raspberries in my direction.

The worst part though was tonight… I couldn’t take anymore.  It had been a long day and I had an equally long night ahead of me.  And the boys, David still hopelessly lost under the masses that can be Autism, trashed the house, messed up my bedroom, and ripped all the sheets and bedding off of my bed.  I also should note, that David left me a “nice” big and wet surprise on my bed again too…

What did I do?  I lost it…  I lost my temper, I lost my patience, I threw a fit, and I had my own little meltdown.  And in doing all this, I lost the battle Autism was waging against me today.

BUT I WILL NOT LOSE THE WAR!

My son is way too precious for me to just give up.  I just can’t let Autism win like this.  So tonight, after I had calmed down, I went in where the boys were laying down, and I gave them the biggest hugs and the longest cuddles I could.  I stroked their hair, spoke softly and gently, kissed their little heads, and gave them my deepest and most heartfelt apologies.  And I promised I would try harder.

You see, Autism and I want the same thing.  My children.  I have one thing Autism can never have though.  Pure LOVE!  I WILL win this war!  My children mean too much to me to lose it.

1) It’s nothing new.  Just same story, different day so to speak.
2) More importantly, it’s not the kind of thing I want to be known for writing about.  It was that hard of a day.

It’s these two reasons that have kept me from the keyboard a lot lately to be honest.  Yes we have had our wonderful moments too, but I have been so worn out and so tired from all the rest that by the time the day is done and I have my computer on my lap, I either fall asleep or can barely remember the words I had tried so hard to store so I could share them here.  Today though, things took a bit of a twist.

Admist all the lack of sleep, cranky and then wound up kids, low energy, tired and sore muscles, the typical daily car struggles that come with having an old van, overwhelming “to do” lists, planning sessions, fundraiser work, a 5 year old’s poopy diapers, phone calls, juggling household and business runs together, and poor memory skills due to being exhausted for too long resulting in multiple trips because I kept forgetting things I needed to have for my various errands today… my van’s brakes went out.

As I was approaching an intersection with the realization I had just turned the wrong way again so was trying to keep an eye out for a place to turn around, the light turned yellow and I applied my breaks.  The light proceeded to turn red as my heart started to race in panic at the realization that not only was my car not stopping, but it was barely even slowing down even though I was pressing down on the brakes with as much force as I could muster.  A deep breath and several prayers later (mixed with a little fear induced crying I will admit) my van finally came to a stop with it’s nose sticking out in the intersection up to the side view mirrors.  Thankfully, I was already going slowly because I was looking for a drive or something I could turn around in.  Otherwise, I may not have been able to get the van stopped at all.  At least not before going through the light.

Being as I was without my phone due to losing my charger the night before, and the fact that I couldn’t just leave my van in the middle of the road like that, I slowly crawled my way to the nearest auto shop a few blocks away.  Praying and shaking almost the entire way, I did my best to keep as much distance between me and the other cars (and the different traffic lights when possible) that I could.  Thankfully, the mechanic was very kind about the situation and was able to get my van in right away.  While it was being worked on though, the boys and I were left in the small waiting room.

At first I was a bit flustered as various things fought for attention in my mind.  Thoughts of all the errands still left undone.  Memories of what it means for me not to have a vehicle to transport me and my boys to appointments, or on errands, or even to the store for groceries.  Worry about how much it was going to cost and if I would have enough to cover it.  Frustration at the seemingly daunting task of keeping a 5 and 4 year old both entertained as well as out of trouble in such a small and crowded place without any preparation for an unknown amount of time.

Slowly but surely though I started to relax and when I did, I saw the blessings.  My oldest, David, was watching them work on “Angel” (our van) and was pretending to have a conversation back and forth with her.  My youngest, Joshua, though overwhelmed badly by the noise level, chose to cuddle close and hide his face in my lap and under my purse instead of taking the path of trying to scream over it all in attempts to block it out.  And me?  I pulled out a rose loom I had been carrying around with me for weeks with hopes of being able to steal away some precious time to work on my latest project for a friend of mine, realizing that now I finally had the chance to do just that.

All the hustle and the bustle and the stress was put on hold.  It had to be.  Whether I liked it or not, I couldn’t leave that small waiting room without my van and I didn’t have my phone or my laptop with me to allow me to catch up on business calls or paperwork or messages.  What I did have though was time, and as I watched my boys go between cuddling, playing, and discovering I cherished the realization that I was being given a gift I rarely get to see these days in the midst of all the chaos.  I was given the gift of slowing down and simply being.

Yes, my van did eventually get fixed, and by God’s mercy I had enough to pay for it (with a little help from my mom).  Yes, we did go on with our day and finished our errands and tasks that had to be done.  Yes there was both giggling and crying, tiredness and “second winds” as always.  But tonight, as I am sitting here on my couch, with my latest craft sitting off to my left and my boys now slowing down enough that they are starting to stay in one place, and my computer screen sitting before me no longer blank, but filled with words freshly typed, I am embracing the gift of a reminder and an encouraging lesson.  It’s okay to slow down once in a while.  And it’s important to remember to “stop and smell those roses” in life. : )

A beautiful and most treasured addition to the art on my walls.  One that will be treasured for as long as I live.   Thank-you Ingar! ((hugs))

We did a lot together and overall had a great visit.  The boys were definitely overstimulated though and struggled with sensory issues and overloads and just plain crankiness off and on for almost the entire visit.  Thankfully, my dad and Jill were very gracious and compassionate about the situation though.  And to be honest, of all the gifts they gave us during their time here, the best and most treasured was their continued love and support in spite of seeing us at our worst.  I am afraid I can’t say the same for countless others, both family and friends, that have encountered our Autism filled life in the past.  I have a handful of people who have been able to look past it all and still see my sons and me for who we are in spite of it all and I treasure it greatly. : )

Over the weekend we got to do and see a lot of things.  We played at the local park, went to a dinosaur exhibit that was in town, played in some nearby exhibits that featured planes and wind, saw some animals at the zoo, took a train ride at another park, played on some slides and crossed some monkey bars (with help of course), and hung out at the house looking at old photographs and watching movies and just simply being together.   We also got to go to a sale that was being held where the boys and I were all treated to new shoes.  The boys are so excited about theirs that they even slept in them. haha

The best part of it all though was the family reunion.  It was such a blessing to have my dad here and it filled my heart to see the boys attach so easily and quickly to him.  They are not known for that by any means so it was indeed a rare and special treat for them to do that with him.   Looking forward to when we all get to see each other again. :D  Until then, we will be in touch through letters, e-mails, and phone calls.  And maybe even a few videos here and there. : )