This isn’t over yet!
Tonight I lost a battle I never wanted to lose. This isn’t the first time I lost it either, but it was the biggest defeat. What battle am I talking about? The one Autism wages with me every single day…
Between low functioning, high energy, increasing echolalia, painfully obvious lack of understanding, bolting issues, missing social skills, loss of connection and communication, and just plain flat weariness (the latter being on my end of course) Autism won tonight.
We had been battling back and forth all day long. I would gain advantage here and there, but only for brief seconds at a time. Autism was rearing it’s ugly and uncontrolled head big time today and my stress levels and frustration were steadily rising as I saw it take over more and more despite my best efforts. It was like I was being forced to watch it make a play thing out of my son and steal all his coherence and abilities away while blowing raspberries in my direction.
The worst part though was tonight… I couldn’t take anymore. It had been a long day and I had an equally long night ahead of me. And the boys, David still hopelessly lost under the masses that can be Autism, trashed the house, messed up my bedroom, and ripped all the sheets and bedding off of my bed. I also should note, that David left me a “nice” big and wet surprise on my bed again too…
What did I do? I lost it… I lost my temper, I lost my patience, I threw a fit, and I had my own little meltdown. And in doing all this, I lost the battle Autism was waging against me today.
BUT I WILL NOT LOSE THE WAR!
My son is way too precious for me to just give up. I just can’t let Autism win like this. So tonight, after I had calmed down, I went in where the boys were laying down, and I gave them the biggest hugs and the longest cuddles I could. I stroked their hair, spoke softly and gently, kissed their little heads, and gave them my deepest and most heartfelt apologies. And I promised I would try harder.
You see, Autism and I want the same thing. My children. I have one thing Autism can never have though. Pure LOVE! I WILL win this war! My children mean too much to me to lose it.